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Are You a Fun Murderer?

R Updated
There Will Be Games


Find out in our exclusive Cosmo Quiz!







1.)  What do you think of dice?
a.)  Dice are for children and the simple minded. +5
b.)  They're OK if used properly, but I prefer a more elegant solution. +3
c.)  Whatever. As long as I'm gaming. +1
d.)  Hell yeah, especially if they're rolling 5's and 6's! +0

2.)  Do you play children's games?
a.)  Yes, but never with children.  +5
b.)  Only those by respected designers such as Reiner Knizia.  +3
c.)  Loopin' Louie is pretty cool.  +1
d.)  Sure, if my kids ask me to.  +0

3.)  How do you feel about the term "Ameritrash"?
a.)  It's an ugly divisive term and should never be used.  +5
b.)  I prefer Amerigold or Ameritreasure.  +3
c.)  Why can't we just call them "games"?  +1
d.)  Hail to the King, baby!  +0

4.)  How long does Civilization take to play?
a.)  A whole weekend.  +5
b.)  12 hours.  +3
c.)  6 hours.  +1
d.)  I don't know, I'm usually passed out by the third epoch.  +0

5.)  What do you typically wear to game events?
a.)  A math department T-Shirt.  +5
b.)  A game convention T-Shirt.  +3
c.)  A faded SR-71 T-Shirt.  +1
d.)  A Dark Throne concert T-Shirt.  +0

6.)  Fanny packs?
a.)  Yes, they protect my genitals from being crushed by my belly.  +5
b.)  Sure, they're a convenient way to store my asthma inhaler and a small snack for later.  +3
c.)  They are a rather nice way to carry around a couple of light fillers.  +1
d.)  I guess I could put a flask in it.  +0

7.)  Do you track your win/loss ratio?
a.)  Yes, I record all players' names and scores on a small notepad.  +5
b.)  I enter my wins and losses into a spreadsheet.  +3
c.)  No, I sell any game that I can't win.  +1
d.)  No, but I do keep track of Steve Avery's losses and they are HUGE.  +0

8.)  Would you play The Miami Vice Game?
a.)  No, it's a piece of mass market trash. +5
b.)  Maybe on "Beer and Pretzels Night". +3
c.)  Only with my nephew to get him hooked on gaming. +1
d.)  Hell yeah, especially if I get to be Tubbs. +0

9.)  How do you feel about hidden information?
a.)  I never allow it in any game and will change rules if necessary. +5
b.)  It's a bad design choice because it gives certain players and young children an advantage. +3
c.)  I don't mind it but I prefer games without it. +1
d.)  You can hide it, but I can still bomb it! +0

10.)  Game rules are:
a.)  An elegant structure that defines the mathematical principles of play.  +5
b.)  Best when kept simple and streamlined without any chrome to muck it up.  +3
c.)  Best with a lot of illustrated examples.  +1
d.)  Instructions for me to kill you.  +0

11.)  Do you give games as gifts?
a.)  Exclusively.  I am rather proud of improving the intelligence of my friends and relatives.  +5
b.)  Yes that way I can play games when I visit my friends and family.  +3
c.)  I've bought games as gifts, but I always end up keeping them.  +1
d.)  Yeah my five year old nephew plays his War on Terror game all the time.  +0

12.)  What do you think of local game stores?
a.)  They are an inefficient, outdated concept.  I pay 35% off retail online and ask for a damage discount with free shipping.  +5
b.)  I've met all of my best friends at local game stores.  +3
c.)  I like the discounts online, but I'll shop locally if I need it "now".  +1
d.)  The games are good and the brawls are worth the price of admission alone.  +0

13.)  How often do you bathe?
a.)  Only when I start to smell myself. +5
b.)  Once a week. +3
c.)  Once every couple days. +1
d.)  Once a day +0

14.)  What is your favorite game?
a.)  Last year?  Caylus.  This year?  Agricola.  +5
c.)  Settlers.  +1
d.)  The Gothic Game +0

15.)  Do you allow food and drink at your game table?
a.)  No, this is absolutely forbidden.  +5
b.)  Non-greasy snacks and soft drinks only on special TV trays.  +3
c.)  I like meatball sandwiches.  With onions.  +1
d.)  All of my games smell like bourbon.  +0

16.)  You are a game bit. Are you:
a.)  A brown wooden cube.  +5
b.)  A meeple.  +3
c.)  A War Sun.  +1
d.)  You've got to be fucking kidding, right?  +0

17.)  Your ultimate gaming experience:
a.)  A round-table with Reiner Knizia, Rudiger Dorn, and Alan Moon.  +5
b.)  A shopping spree at Essen.  +3
c.)  A game day with my best friends and family.  +1
d.)  Blackjack in Vegas.  Piles of cash.  A dry martini, stirred.  A good cigar.  A lovely lady at my side.   +0

18.)  When you go to a non-gamer friend or relative's house what do you do?
a.)  Walk in the front door with a stack of games in hand.  +5
b.)  Daydream the entire time that somehow you will end up playing games.  +3
c.)  Keep a stash of games in the trunk "just in case".  +1
d.)  Check the fridge for beer.  +0

19.)  What do you think of Settlers of Catan?
a.)  It's completely random and unworthy of a true gamer.  +5
b.)  I used to like it but I've moved on to better designs.  +3
c.)  I make my 80 year old mother-in-law play it every Christmas.  +1
d.)  Cities & Knights is the only way to play, baby.  +0

20.)  You have been eliminated from a game. Do you:
a.)  Argue with the other players that the game is "clearly" unbalanced and there was no way you could win.  +5
b.)  Post your "concern" about the issue to the internet along with rules for a no elimination variant.  +3
c.)  Cry softly to yourself on the way home while plotting revenge.  +1
d.)  Flip the table like in the video for "Hungry Like the Wolf" and set fire to the game.  +0

21.)  Which word do you use most often?
a.)  Elegant.  +5
b.)  Concerned.  +3
c.)  Rather.  +1
d.)  Fuck.  +0

22.)  What do you think of the Magic Gaming Girl?
a.)  I've been going to confession for weeks since I was violated by that image.  +5
b.)  Prurient content such as that has no place in a family hobby.  +3
c.)  Girls are scary.  +1
d.)  Girls are fun.  +0

23.)  You're at a friend's house, and he breaks out RISK: GODSTORM. Do you:
a.)  Immediately leave, walking home in the rain rather than play a game like THAT.  +5
b.)  Protest that the game is in violation of your faith, and go sulk in a corner.  +3
c.)  Shrug, say you prefer 2210, but play anyway.  +1
d.)  At the first opportunity, you fucking sink Atlantis. +0

24.)  Some newbie chose "Mayor" when he clearly should have picked "Craftsman." Which do you do:
a.)  Insist that the game be restarted, because he ruined your strategy. +5
b.)  Patiently point out his error, and offer him a copy of your strategy guide. +3
c.)  Hide your disappointment while you quietly arrange your pieces into swastika shapes. +1
d.)  Secretly plan to choose "Construction Worker," "Indian Chief," or "Leather Man." +0

25.)  What do you think of Fortress Ameritrash?
a.)  Those good-for-nothing ne'er do wells have ruined the friendly atmosphere of gaming!  +5
b.)  All they do is bitch about other board game sites and make personal attacks.  +3
c.)  I like their articles but oh my, the fisting references have got to go.  +1
d.)  Fortress Ameritrash is to gaming what Jesus is to sinners.  +0

Total up your points:

100+ "Black Hole of Fun"
Like a massive singularity, you suck all joy out of any environment that you are in.  When you enter a room, flowers wilt and children begin to cry.  Color goes to black and white.  Beautiful music becomes silence.  You are like one or two steps away from the devil.

75-99 "Jack the Ripper of Mirth"
When people see you walking up to their table, they instinctively cringe.  You talk too loud and spittle flies out of your mouth as you recount your D&D adventures at age 12.  Heads turn when you slam your fist on the table after losing a game of TransAmerica.  People at the other tables laugh nervously and joke that they are glad they are not sitting at your table.  So, although you murder all fun in your immediate vicinity, your wacky antics create some vague laughter elsewhere.  Especially when you forget to wear a belt and your entire ass is showing.

50-74 "Anti-Social Tendencies"
You're slovenly, you don't dress well, and you can get into a funk when things don't go your way in a game.  But overall, you're not entirely a lost cause.  You probably have a social disorder so it's not really your fault.  Most gamers will tolerate a short game with you.  Try not to complain so much when the dice don't go your way and for Pete's sake, get rid of the floral patterned box you carry your games around in.

25-49 "Average Gamer"
You don't really stand out in the crowd but that's better than being a Fun Murderer isn't it?  You're an agreeable sort, maybe a bit obsessive compulsive.  You should work on not straightening other people's pieces for them, but at least you make eye contact and laugh at mostly the right times.

1-24 "Ameritrash Shock Trooper"
You are an Ameritrasher to the core.  Your sights are set squarely on fun, and when they're not, they're set on Steve Avery as the next most convenient target.  You know that the true social value of board gaming is blowing things up, killing off your friends, and talking trash to your family members.  These things all lead to world domination, and world domination is good.

0 "Michael Barnes"
You swear, behave badly, singlehandedly destroy the board gaming hobby, and are banned from all family oriented board gaming sites.  Well done!


Editor's Note:  My thanks to fellow F:AT members for their contributions to this piece.  Artwork by Juniper.

There Will Be Games
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