Michael Barnes Proudly Presents F:AT Secret Satan 2015
It's that time of the year!
When the Three Wise Men were called to visit the baby Jesus in Bethlehem, they had to scramble to figure out what to do about a present. They had somehow missed the fact that the baby Jesus was born on Christmas day, so they had to stop at a 24 hour pharmacy on the way to pick up some random, obligatory gifts. One chose frankenscence and another myrrh, things that no baby would ever want. The other picked out "gold" which is the Bible's symbolic way of referring to a "gift card". Which was probably the smartest option, but then Joseph blew it on a case of Miller tall boys the morning of December 26th. So why are we talking about the Christmas story in our annual Michael Barnes Proudly Presents Secret Satan post? Because without the devil, there would be no Christmas. Think about it. Who is REALLY the reason for the season?
Regardless of where you fall on the holiday spectrum, they are coming and like those Three Wise Men, you will be called to give people junk they do not want in exchange for junk that you do not want. And Michael Barnes Proudly Presents Secret Satan 2015 may be the most purest, unadulterated way for you to celebrate Christmas as it was intended. Of course, you must also enter into a pact with Secret Satan and submit your name and address to a mysterious computer known as Comp-U-Tron, but the end result is that you will get to send out a box of rubbish and get a box of rubbish in return. Or maybe not- perhaps your Secret Satan will choose to be "nice" (blech) and give you something really good. It happens. That's the Magic of Christmas.*
Do you dare back this Kickslaughter? Here is what you need to do:
1) Do not be a whiny, entitled crybaby. If you match this description, please do not participate. Go give your wishlist to Radho or whoever over at BGG and maybe they will send you something nice. BORING.
2) Be prepared to receive things like an autographed photo of Goofy, a 1986 Playboy with Jessica Hahn on it, or other strange and embarrassing items. Also be prepared to send similar items, but you also must send at least ONE COMPLETE BOARD GAME and that does not include some random trivia game you picked up at the thrift store.
3) Be creative and funny. Not dumb and lazy.
4) Send me your name and address by NOVEMBER 23rd (next Monday). Also indicate whether you are a hardline nationalist that will not deign to ship a package to a second or third world overseas country or if you are soft-headed new age hippie that thinks we are all one people and you are willing to spend more money to send a package to a far off land not in your home country.
5) Comp-U-Tron will match you up with another F:ATtie using a series of complex biorhythmic algorithms, Satanic incantations and d6 rolls. You will receive results no later than November 24th.
6) Send your package so that your target receives it no later than December 23rd.
7) DO NOT BE A JERK and either send genuinely terrible, useless or potentially harmful stuff (recall the "peanut butter pants" incident which fits all three descriptors). And if you do not send your target something, we will call you out and humiliate you. This is a new policy for 2015. In the past, we handled it behind the scenes. But now, if your target does not have a package by December 23rd, inquiries will be made.
8) YOU ARE REQUIRED TO POST PHOTO OR VIDEO EVIDENCE OF YOUR PACKAGE. No exceptions. This should be done as soon as you can so that we can all point and laugh before everyone goes away for the holidays.
9) There will be a Secret Satan F:AT sock puppet account. You may use it to communicate with your target or to post whatever you want. There will also be an official Michael Barnes Proudly Presents F:AT Secret Satan 2015 forum post, which should be opening today.
10) HAVE FUN. If you fail to have fun doing this, you are doing it wrong. You are also doing it wrong if you are expecting to get really great games out of this in exchange or sending someone a box full of empty punchboards and a moldy copy of The General.
So get to gettin' and get to it. HAIL!
*Michael Barnes Proudly Presents Secret Satan 2015 does not officially support or condone the Magic of Christmas. Neither Michael Barnes nor the staff of F:AT are liable, responsible or required to be politely apologetic if you do not experience the Magic of Christmas during Michael Barnes Proudly Presents F:AT Secret Satan 2015.
I am "peanut butter boxers" guy.
When I did this, I took extensive care to make it a joke, yet for the most part lend to a movie theme. Before sending it, I PMed Barnes, who at the time thought it was hilarious, and at the time defended me. Now I'm a "jerk who sent a potentially harmful substance in the mail"? Sorry. I call BS. I cannot fathom how essentially a contained (by contained I mean the "offensive items" were in a SEALED ZIPLOC) were potentially harmful, but I do see possibly "distasteful". At the same time, I did feel awful about the whole thing, and many times just wanted to settle up with the recipient. So no, this was not FUN for me. Call me a stick in the mud.
Mr. Barnes mentioned "calling people out". I call myself out, as well as this whole farce of a Secret Santa. Just put in the rule no perishable items and no moldy stuff and be done with it. How can a cup of peanut butter inside a (new pair of boxers by the way, let's get that out of the way too) be more harmful than mold (which I had gotten in the past)?
Again, I feel bad about it, which is never the intention, and had to "keep quiet" because of the secret part, yet had to hear about the whole thing on Facebook as well as the Fortress boards. Well, now let the holiday bloodbath ensue. I still defend what I did at the time given the rules in place. So who's the jerk now?
Anyone directly involved in my involvement in this feel free to PM me, or respond on the boards if you want. I truly don't care any more.
Yeah I thought It was funny but Repoman- and others- didn't. So I sided with them too. I saw both sides of it.
What are you upset about anyway,It's become an in-joke, an F:AT legend. Hell, it's a fucking holiday tradition to bring that up again.
Turnout is low this year anyway, more of a low key event. You are welcome to give it another chance, il set you up with Pete...he loves dirty drawers.
Michael Barnes wrote: Dave, you are after the wrong rabbit here brother- I did think it was funny, and I did tell you in PM that it was brilliant. But I also heard from other folks that were pretty pissed about it, and this is a community event. And to be fair, if you're the guy that gets that and everybody else gets SOMETHING half decent...that's kind of crap. Because of that incident and because of what folks said to me in private I started having a few more rules.
Yeah I thought It was funny but Repoman- and others- didn't. So I sided with them too. I saw both sides of it.
What are you upset about anyway,It's become an in-joke, an F:AT legend. Hell, it's a fucking holiday tradition to bring that up again.
Turnout is low this year anyway, more of a low key event. You are welcome to give it another chance, il set you up with Pete...he loves dirty drawers.
I was mostly pissed my identity wasn't out in the open. If people are truly upset at me or something I did, I want to deal with them directly; it is the union rep in me. The "secret" part always annoyed me. So people now know its me, and can deal with the "jerk" directly if they are still upset with it (old news at this point).
As I said, I'm out. You don't have to pair me up with Pete. We exchange drawers every time I go to his house yearly.
I only did SS once (can't this year) and had fun. But I treated it as shove some stuff in the slot, pull the lever, and see what come out.
A comedic slot machine basically. Who gets mad about that?
I, then with a better understanding of the actual spirit of the thing, explained that I had no desire to participate in this event again. That still holds true. I am not participating.
Now there was the fucker to whom I sent a hard to get Black Box edition of Glory to Rome, which I would have loved to have myself, because he had it listed on his BGG want list and who then had the utter dearth of class to brag on the site how he sold it immediately for the aftermarket cash. Now that guy was just a douche.
I also had a person send me Space Cadets when that was new and that person was a peach.
So, have fun guys whether you pull a douche or a peach out if the hat. Lord knows we got both kinds of people here on the site.
I am amazed by the creativity. I am not a creative person. I know this. I can crack jokes and shit, but I'm not crafting gothic poetry and building a creepy EuroLovecraftian box of joy for international recipients (bless you, Satan, I was amazingly impressed).Michael Barnes wrote: A pouche?
I can't really top or even equal that kind of thing. I'm the guy who would pack a crummy game in a cool game's box. Or vice versa! Or send a mound of meeples to arrive on Tuesday and have an Amazon wishlist item show up on Wednesday. Shooting for a bittersweet moment is the key.
I also end up hanging on to these WAY longer than I should. That copy of AYE DARK OVERLORD is going to be with me for a while. I would never play that PoS, but I can't just give it away--someone put some effort in, you know?
My favorite thing I sent was the "coded" rpg game where you have to decode it through the red plastic-- but I don't think I sent the red plastic.
I'm with repo, though. Bragging about selling a game you were gifted is in poor taste.
hotseatgames wrote: The Olivia Newton John LP I received one year still looks at me. All the time.
And it has "moisture" stains on it.